| headlights on |
[16 Dec 2006|11:20am] |
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mood |
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sleeeepy, but content |
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music |
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the cars passing by |
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on my way to my exam this morning i passed a kid that went to goochland for a short time... peter weaver squire... dressed in a suit and walking toward the cathedral. i had seen signs posted on franklin earlier this week warning "funeral: no parking after 8am Saturday... towing enforced". there are lots of really pretty cars lined up surrounding the cathedral and everyone is dressed nicely, and in black. the funeral's for a henrico doctor, Dr. Desch, who was killed while flying a small airplane near, i believe, charlottesville. it was a plane owned by the chesterfield county's wingnuts flying club and he was basically flying to improve on his aviation skills. my uncle is in that club... and it's weird to know that that could have just as easily been him. i know that i've flown in several planes that the club owns and maybe even the one that failed mr. desch. life's weird... and it's crazy to think of just how fine all of the lines really are. a few years ago the very same uncle was supposed to go on a skydiving adventure with a group of his enthusiast friends (i believe it was a similar club to the flying one). my uncle is a paramedic for medflight, and the day that he was supposed to go skydiving with all of his buddies, a man from medflight got sick and had to call out... and so my uncle had to go into work that day and skip the skydiving. the plane full of all of his friends, the plane that he was supposed to be on that day, crashed and all that were on board, perished. how bizarre attending that funeral must have been, knowing that your fate had been so close to their's. i don't know... i'm always sentimental in this way, and i just think it's sad. my uncle said that mr. desch was an exceptionally good person, and i know it must have been true as my uncle himself is an exceptionally good soul. anyway, i just hope that his family is as well as they can be. my prayers and condolances really go out to them. this too shall pass.
i think the procession of cars is about to start.
i'm glad it's a beautiful day for him.
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| patrick gibbon |
[01 Nov 2006|11:52am] |
i don't really know what i got on here to say. life is just so strange. i can't help but wonder what goes through all of our minds. all of those tiny things, all the places that we go, the people we see and know... those million little moments that lead up to that single definitive one. the single pause in time that changes our lives. just what tipped the scales to that decision? and it eats and eats away when you will never know...when those questions are thrown to a place where they can never be answered...to abide in a dark, silent corner for all time. i didn't know you that well...but i hope you've found the peace you were seeking.
"Somehow, it's not difficult to understand how one could be so of the world, yet be too much for this world to hold. Were you here, I'm sure you would reply: "...But there is no other!"
Though I had always agreed, I wish that I could play devil's advocate right now, to once again see the structure of your logic and the strength of your conviction, but this awful silence is your most convincing argument yet. "
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| fuck |
[30 Oct 2006|11:58pm] |
i think awhile ago i wrote an entry, inspired by my 'friend' patrick...this snobbish, gothy know-it-all who, most likely because he felt neglected or ostracized or inadequate for the duration of his childhood, has decided to make up for it by consuming as much sophistication and useless elitist information as possible to feel better and smarter than everybody else. i honestly couldn't detect one ounce of passion in his body.
i'm so, so sorry.
i am.
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| i cannot disclose that information |
[23 Oct 2006|04:52am] |
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mood |
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 creeeped out! |
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music |
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i never knew i had a price until i knew you |
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John Mark Karr-
Shut the FUCK up about being an American citizen and all the joy and bliss that come along with it. go back to bangkok and the hell out of here, because guess what? WE DON'T LIKE YOU here! you are a certified motherfucking whack job! holy christ. shut the hell up, crazo.
sorry...larry king live really gets me going. baha. :)
hope you're lovely o;)
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| there are many things that i would like to say to you...but i don't know how |
[06 Sep 2006|02:30pm] |
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mood |
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 a little empty |
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music |
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fragments of faith-lacuna coil |
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1. i hope for one day
2. they'll never hurt me like you do
3. you have the most beautiful soul
4. you inspire me in a million ways
5. things will be great if you let them be
6. i'm more sorry than you will ever know
7. i didn't know what was good for me
8. don't be so afraid of the good that doesn't drain you
9. i've taken you for granted
10. you are the brightest lights in my whole life...you give me reason
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| hey, dick |
[17 Aug 2006|01:01am] |
i've been calm and collected, and i plan on staying that wayyy....but just for one moment i'd like to sayyy...
grow up, you stupid fucks
ahhh...i feel better now! o:)
oh, and just fyi, you're going to fucking choke at vmi...they're going to tie your hands and feet together and throw your ass into the water, and you can't swim as it is....
...too bad they don't allow visitors because i'd love to watch you drown at this point.
....god i'm an eloquent writer. so articulate! baha.
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| i'm sorry |
[02 Oct 2005|05:57pm] |
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but when will people fucking learn that drinking is stupid...and more importantly, drinking and driving is absolutely brilliant? kudos.
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[10 Sep 2005|11:23pm] |
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i don't want that to happen either, friend.
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| he whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for s.... |
[17 Jul 2005|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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music |
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Sic Transit Gloria... |
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this is more of a rant than a thought-out entry, but it happens. what compels people to be so unfaithful to "the ones they love"? i know that mistakes are made, but it just seems that certain ones just shouldn't be made at all. there are particular actions that i find unexcusable. yes, perhaps one infraction can be deemed as in the moment, but twice is deliberate. you thought about the repurcussions, and did the deed anyway. maybe if the path were a little less heavy, as in the rest-of-your-life sort of way, it'd be more okay. but it's not. and i can't help but lose all respect for you. you'd think you'd play down your domineering role just a little bit, since you're the wrongdoer and all, but alas, you play it up, with spunk and a smile at that. you don't deserve what you're getting, and even though i don't know the gritty details of your everyday life, nor the life you share together, i do know that much. it doesn't seem fair that your actions probably serve as the background of your lover's mind, daunting their every thought. you know, "dancing on their eyelashes, waiting till the time comes that they close their eyes"...to be reminded that... --this-is-so-messed-up-- it's their life though, and there isn't a thing that anybody can say that won't sound like directions to life. but don't get lost in the haze, friend. you never were a lamb before, why begin to be just before the slaughter?
the invisible cage
that throttles our necks with
a drunken rage...the thief of true love*
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| and sing we will...singing of babble and dissonance |
[31 May 2005|10:52pm] |
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mood |
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vain- i like myspace comments |
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music |
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billie holiday |
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i'm a critic, i'm a cynic... and sometimes i don't want to be anymore. the world is broadening by the minute... and the pictures are clearer than ever before, the colors brighter, and the beautiful opportunities never more abundant. sadly though, it was always this way. always. all ways. i'm just scared. always scared in all ways. afraid to be bright in fear of feeling. afraid to be happy in fear of being fake. afraid of being simply content in fear of losing the ability to understand, the ability to analyze and find. TO SEE. afraid of being too much of one way and so i bend myself backwards and to the left and right to ensure that i am never one thing, preference seems so limiting. "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"... entirely ready to let the chips fall where they may, to EVOLVE. thanks mr. durden, thanks john. i'm tired of anticipation and cultivating and gardening circumstance, creating is so draining. i'm missing it all by sitting here fucking thinking about it all, all the time. not the realist, the romantic, the thinker, philosopher, the nice one, the down one, passionate, the poet, the artist, outspoken, overt, disguised, fake, real, i am now nothing. what more could you ask for?
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| good karma |
[30 May 2005|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 absolutely elated |
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music |
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strange fruit-billy holiday |
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the greatest nights are the ones that turn all your insides into air...the ones that you can never quite describe nor explain. the ones made up of tones and textures rather than names and places. the ones that words can never justify and so instead you sit and look into the darkness and pay homage through a smile. tonight was one of those. these words are not adequate, so i'm going to go turn to my dreams now. 0:)
*smile*
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| rammstyn |
[28 May 2005|12:12am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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music |
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bullet with butterfly wings- sp |
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integrity,
is it aspiring to be perfect and polite and nice and no matter what, remaining like so...going against your will in the name of moral perfection and manners? or is integrity disliking something and refraining from faking it as if you do? i wish i knew. i always feel as if there is some universal book of knowledge that i must consult in order to make a decision on the matter...i should probably work harder on answering to myself rather than the rest of the world. maybe integrity wears no uniform nor requires any strict code of conduct, perhaps it is simply making your own decisions, making choices as you see fit and being satisfied. there are so many ways by which you can leave your mark. you can be a martyr, stick to something to the end, be crucified in the name of it, even though it might have caused more sorrow than sweetness, more pain than pleasure. or you can just say fuck it. nothing extraordinary. perhaps tremendous joy and satisfaction are engendered through the most seemingly simply things. happiness and honor? which reigns over the other? it seems as though the more you write it out, the more apparent the truth becomes. maybe integrity is simply that voice, the feeling of kicking yourself in the ass. what a sellout i've been, i don't want to go back there again. and i won't. stop fretting. and learn to swim.
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| pay no mind |
[27 May 2005|11:54pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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cherub rock- smashing pumpkins |
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i opened Pandora's box. Then shut it. Then decided one spring night to open it once more. i should start purring and try to claw my way out or it will surely kill me. that is, afterall, what curiosity does. but how was i to know the drug of choice has changed? how was i to know that pretenses do not mean that you have actually rearranged. because the truth is, you are still exactly the same, for worse. for such an "uptown girl" i never would have thought you'd go so low. are the places and these people and these moments of pretending you're loved and special... at the end of your day does anything actually feel any better? there's a tiny little ember still burning, yes, i'll give you that. but all the air is sucked out when you exhale all your stories and begin all of that whoring. i hate to arrive out front of a dead end. the sun's sinking and what used to be the open lines of your future are now curving around into a tidy semicircle. the softness is now paved and the curb denies access to anyone trying to reach you. it was never meant to mean anything; stupid girl.
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| i'm burning like a bridge for your body |
[23 May 2005|10:36pm] |
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mood |
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sore-thanks hawth.heightsfans! |
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music |
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cell phone |
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when you can't be articulate, and when the thoughts are rooted too deeply and run too thickly.... there are always lyrics
I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. I am all you've ever wanted. What all the other boys all promised. Sorry I told. I
just needed you to know. I think in decimals and dollars. I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold. We're
never alone. Coordinate brain and mouth. Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew. I hope
this song starts a craze. The kind of song that ignites the airwaves. The kind of song that makes people glad to be where
they are with who ever they're there with. This is war. Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore. I hope
you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for. Holding on to your grudge. Oh, it's so hard to
have someone to love. And keeping quiet is hard. Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start. At least
pretend you didn't want to get caught. We're consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I
just wanna believe... in us. Oh, were so contraversial. We are entirely smooth. We admit to the truth. We are the best at
what we do. And these are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds. Handsome and smart.
Oh, my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. And it's all from watching TV. And from speeding
up my breathing. Wouldn't stop if I could. Oh, it hurts to be this good. You're holding on to your grudge. Oh, it hurts to
always have to be honest with the one that you love. Oh, so let it go. We're consentrating on falling apart. We were
contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe... We're consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now
throwing the fight. I just wanna believe... in us. This is the craze only we can bestow. This is the price you pay for loss
of control. This is the break in the battle. This is the closest of calls. This is the reason you're alone. This is the
reason you fall.
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| my dear, please excuse the obscene language, please |
[22 May 2005|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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energetic |
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music |
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muffled sounds and ringing in my ears |
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dear unwritten law, hawthorne heights, prom kings, and underoath,
fucking amazing. today was beyond greatness. sticks and stones may break my bones but damn do they make me feel alive. i'm far too inarticulate to describe or justify the bands today but they were SO amazing. i think i needed that. a good elbow in the collar bone and punch in the stomach, yeah. a good opportunity to just completely let it go, and it felt good... better than anything in a while. hell yes :D *smile*
and ps,
i love you too red bull. today i was soooaaaring. and thank you for the 3rd one, i am most definetly indebted to you!
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| i have come curiously close... |
[09 May 2005|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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TOOL.... and more TOOL... a breath of fresh air |
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no matter how many victorious moments i could ever have, i will always choose to remember all the times i wasn't. every time i ever sold out, it's all right here to remember... a constant reminder. "don't let the past remind us of what we are not now"... every time i hear that line i realize it's so true, but i still feel lesser as a person for my past offenses. i think amidst all the thinking and analyzing i've forgotten how to just live. i've been buying in and selling out. funny how those two are all the same. "fret for your figure and fret for your car"... yep, i've evolved. but i'm tired now of having offenses to recollect and dwell on. tired of forced smiles, forced frowns...tired of trying to engender and trying to wear more than one face. tired again of giving everything a point, of subjects and headlines. and finally tired of questions and answers alike. there's not enough time to fret for those. when the wind chooses to blow it will, i will not attempt to create it... i won't force the air to suffuse the lungs... breath will come when it pleases. as all else should, and will. force was never fun anyway.
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| even with a net, we still fall |
[08 May 2005|09:32pm] |
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mood |
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 relaxed |
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music |
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narc-interpol 0:-) |
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amazing how well we can align the pieces of our lives to make a pretty picture and how inevitably fucked up it can actually be. it's funny to think of why we do all of the things that we do. why i can get so easily offended or threatened, why i can take all of the stupid bullshit so seriously, why i revel in the melodramatic "beauty" i want to see in everything, even the fake pretty things. funny how i can be so deeply stable somewhere in my mind and yet the slightest things knock my balance to the gutter. funny how i am fearless in the daunting face of my future so uncertain and yet brought to my knees by the past. it's easy though to have no fear of that which is yet to come, because it's just that: yet to come. of course it's easy to deal with the hardships that have not graced our lives...........
on a seperate note, lately i've been giving serious thought to the idea of simplicity. i've been entertaining the idea of giving up my mind... at least the overly analytical part of it. i keep thinking and thinking, and i just don't believe that picking apart every little thing that i see has brought me any closer to the place i'm searching for. yeah, it's probably bent my mind, gotten me to understand, maybe even allow me to experience a deeper shade of everything, but is it worth it? is knowledge everything? really worth it? that is the question, then again, when is it not the question? i've been beyond certainty in believing that the point in life is to know...to find out...and to push your own personal knowledge to its absolute limit. but i am no longer so sure. i guess knowledge has served as my religion up to now, and i am at the point of questioning it. perhaps sometime i should try kneeling down in the alter of complacency...the dreaded state of mind. all or nothing. that's the problem; getting the switch right in the middle. my fingers have trouble. but it's still good. life is still beautiful when the sky is falling ,
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| Volts Vahgen... |
[12 Mar 2005|05:59pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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Rammstein (getting into the German spirit) |
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something purdy fun happened today... I GOT A CAR! it's the cutest little thing ever... it's a black Jetta and i'm really really excited! it sounds dumb but i'm especially excited about it being black :D i hoope that i can get some tags that say Finck ;) well sorry to post about something so dumb, but i can hardly contain the excitement nor the enthusiasm! hope everybody's avoiding the wind and enjoying the weekend! love yous! MUAH! *smile* Auf Wiedersehen!
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| this is one of thooose entries...secret code ;) |
[06 Mar 2005|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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music |
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Wish You Were Here |
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when benny hinn dies, he will not be ascending. bah. pardon the language but what a bastard. i hate, loathe, abhor televangelists. it deeply disturbs me that someone can have such an utter disrespect for someone's faith. sure... plenty of people scream out their opinions, but they aren't stealing credit cards. i'm thinking of maybe journalism. be a muckraker. besides i don't want to stay here... i want to be out there, have the chance to breathe in the whole wide world and take a million pictures so that someday, when i'm sitting on the top of my entire life, i can open my book and see all of the pretty pictures, transcendentally. i guess that's the point of life anyway, to have all the pretty pictures. today was one of them. i saw one of my favorite shades of life... so i can have it for future reference. and the other day, i realized how far i have to go. we're never as smart as we think we are. i'm not so smart, or deep, or right, or ahead. and i couldn't stop smiling knowing this, because i know i'm alive, i know i'm right here... and maybe i'm not too far gone or lost to the glory of the cause. haha and that dumb myspace. in my boredom i'll go browsing about my "extended network" at all the people, so many people. and seeing all of those people, seeing the undeniable proof of their existence makes the world feel that much smaller. that much more connected. and it makes me feel like i can be anywhere... i could be anyone. his friend, her friend, my fiance. and you see these people... the beautiful, the mysterious, the apparent intelligent, the ones with such exciting, large lives... and you think "that'd be nice, it'd look good on my resume", but then I look down at the blank page on which i stand, sparcely decorated, and there's no other place i'd want to be, no other pen marks i'd want to make other than what's already there. my wings are unclipped, and i am uncaged. or so i feel. and i'm going to love living just beneath the human radar, unknown to the world... in some quiet countryside, deep in the city, in my own paradise. and at sunset when everything's aglow and rich, i'll just be breathing in, smiling, and looking at all my pretty pictures. i hope you will too.
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